By John Garcia

It is never fun delivering bad news, but someone has to do it. Just like a doctor informs a patient of their misfortunes, I have been sent to tell you, the Elmhurst College congregation, something that just may shake the very foundation on which you stand:

Jessica Simpson is dying.

Please, don’t act surprised. We all knew this day would come eventually. Jessica Simpson’s life has become a compilation of failures that no one, not even the most prolific of songwriters or the most talented of acting coaches, could even begin to attempt to mend.

The beginning of the end for Jessica Simpson was marked by the release of her new country album Do You Know the previous fall. Following the recent trend of her last eight years of music and film, to the surprise of absolutely nobody, the album failed. It got horrible reviews and it failed to make sales.

It seems as though this album was Jessica’s last gasp, her final attempt live the life she so desperately longed for.

Yet alas, world, it is time to pull the plug. We have had Jessica Simpson on life support too long and she is only wasting our time and running up our bill.

Sure, when Jessica was born in 1999 she was utterly adorable and likable as she took the world by storm with her debut album Sweet Kisses. But seriously, what baby isn’t easy to coo and coddle?

This was only “cute baby syndrome,” as we would later find out, and it was not long after this that we began to get bored with this newly-crowned pop diva.

Jessica Simpson quickly became the stepchild of American pop on her third birthday with the release of her third album, In This Skin. It was at this time the world began to neglect the once irresistible infant star.
Jessica was never as popular as her older sisters Britney and Christina, but she still tried her best to stay in the spotlight. Too bad everything she tried to promote herself backfired.

The results are overwhelming. For example, her marriage to 98 Degrees singer Nick Lachey? Failed. Her reality show on MTV called “Newlyweds?” Failed. Portraying Daisy Duke in “The Dukes of Hazard”  movie? Failed. Trying to be friends with PETA? Failed.  Being cooler than her sister? Failed. Selling albums? Epic failed.

Even now, the girl is blamed for others’ failures.

When the Dallas Cowboys lost to the Philadelphia Eagles in a critical game in the 2008 NFL season, Simpson was blamed for the loss because of her relationship with Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, with claims that she jinxed the quarterback.

Due to her illustrious history of failures, there was nothing she could really do to fight these claims. President Bush even joked that he should send Jessica to the Democratic National Convention, hoping to use the “Jessica Jinx” against them.

But soon, Jessica Simpson will be out of her misery. It’s time to take her to that illustrious farm where all our childhood pets went to spend the rest of their lives and to rest.

The process is inevitable. When a pop star continuously fails, they die. End of story.

So let us say goodbye to Jessica Simpson, who once seemed so promising, and is now either dead or dying at 10 years old. Rest in peace, Jessica (1999-2009).